Licorice Reviews: The Good, The Bad, and The So Bad You Think You've Been Poisoned

I am addicted to black licorice. I have tried many locally available brands such as: Panda, Trader Joe's All-sorts-a Licorice, Twizzlers, RJ's Licorice Logs, charcoal licorice in a tin, and some kind of gummy Australian licorice I can't remember the name of. I decided to branch out and try new things, so I researched licorice online and came across the glorious web site of Licorice International . The licorice possibilities on that site are endless. I finally made an order last week from Licorice International after fantasizing about sitting at a fancy table, tucking in my bib, and sampling pieces of licorice with a tiny fork while a shirtless, bald butler with a monocle massaged my shoulders. Ooooh yeah.

I texted my boyfriend about three times today asking if the licorice came in the mail, since today was his day off. He went and picked up the package for me, being the chivalrous stud he is. It came in the mail very quickly and everything was packaged with the utmost care. I even recieved a free little baggie of Bridge Mix.  Overall, I was very pleased with my order.  Basically, I was so stoked I felt like one of those little dogs who chases its own tail and then pees on the rug.

So here is what everything looks like,

and here are some reviews...

Katjes-Kinder:

Awww, black licorice cats! Black licorice and cats are both things I love, so how could this combination have any flaws whatsoever?! When I first opened the bag I was suprised because the first cat candy I pulled out was decapitated. I stared at it in disbelief. Hmm--headless kitty; not a good sign. Also, the cats were a bit smaller than I was expecting, like the size of my fingertip. That was fine though--maybe even extra-adorable? Then I put one in my mouth, and it tasted like nothing. I tried to chew it, but I could not, as its texture was the perfectly sucky combination of gummy and rock-like. I don't know if they were stale, or just a horrible consistency and flavorless to boot (or puss-n-boot, hardy har). Sorry Kindercats, I won't be eating you anytime soon. Into a plastic baggie you go, to pawn off onto people who don't like having teeth or tasting food with flavor.

Salzige Heringe:

I never tried salty licorice before today. I was eager to try it. I put a salty fishy candy in my mouth, and at first I liked the salty and gummy texture of the fish. As I was chewing, I could taste something remotely intriguing, kind of like my own saliva glands were squirting a salty-sour juice into my mouth, which was fun...until I started tasting something rotten and pungent like moldy orange peel mixed with fish slime with just a dash of...ick...hair dye. I mean, it tasted JUST like I put some hair dye in my mouth. I read that salmiak (the salty flavor in this licorice) actually has ammonium in it. I tasted the nasty-ass chemical, and it made the back of my nose burn. I made a yuck-face and had to wash my mouth out. After that disturbing experience I had to look online and see if other people had the same reaction, and they did. There is even an entire blog called "Salmiyuck", which is entertaining and worth reading. Someone else online commented that salmiak tastes like gym shoes. Don't get me wrong, I like challenging sensory experiences: I don't mind the smell of B.O. and I enjoy trying new foods, but I don't like to feel violently appalled. This was the possibly the most unpleasant thing I have ever tasted, besides the time I tried to drink a raw egg in middle school and threw up. Anyway, salmiak is a big thing in Holland, and although I don't understand its appeal, I guess it has a place somewhere with someone.

Salmiak Rocks:

Salty licorice with a soft texture. See the review above for my grossed-out reaction to salmiak salt licorice. These Salmiak Rocks kind of remind me of olives with their different-colored middles...except for the fact that I LOVE olives and I HATE this grody candy that tastes like a death-threat in food form.

Allsorts Licorice:

Allsorts Licorice is a melody for my eyes, if my eyes could listen to beautiful music and also eat delicious candies. I tried just about every piece. Eating this bag of candy was like crashing someone's family reunion and meeting a bunch of very different, yet all wonderful characters. There was the joyous and pleasant multi-colored petit four piece that was like a sweet great aunt in a fancy hat, and there was the sushi-tasting, somewhat-off-putting-but-still-yummy candy that was covered in blue seed-looking stuff that reminded me of an eccentric-but-loveable uncle who wears sweatpants without underwear in public but always gives good birthday presents. Allsorts of Licorice is Allsorts of fantastic. When this bag is gone I will miss each licorice piece in the mix individually. Basically, I will feel like I cannibalized a bunch of really nice (and delicious) people who I just met.

Twitterpated: Songs of Sexual Tension

Ah, Spring. Pheromones all rubbing up against each other, doing their invisible little bump-and-grind...Hormones in the air...just like any other season really. This is my virtual mix tape of songs that I think best embody sexual tension, either musically or lyrically. That's right. These babies are songs IN HEAT.

"Twitterpation" as explained in Bambi:


...And now on to some songs that show how adults express twitterpation through music:

Skinny Little Fat Girl: An Article on Body Image

Today someone called me anorexic. 

It was at work and in front of other people.  I told him that his accusation was both incredibly rude, as well as untrue, and he got angry with me.  He said, "Well, a girl in my high school was anorexic and she died."  He turned bright red and lost his temper and said, "It's not healthy!!" and stormed out of the door as I was trying to explain to him in vain that I had recently lost 20 lbs due to having GERD (an explanation he wasn't listening to and wasn't entitled to anyway, as my weight is none of his goddamn business). 

He didn't want to hear the truth.  In his mind I was "too thin", therefore I must have an imaginary eating disorder.  Funny he should now accuse me of being anorexic, as the last time I saw him two years ago he told me I was "really getting fat" (at 120lbs and a size 6) and asked if I was pregnant.  Situations like these make me wish I could carry around a glass of really dark and grapey wine at all times, just so I could splash it in the offending parties' faces and hopefully stain up their clothes in the process.  But you know, it would still be classy--because assaulting people with expensive beverages is the only acceptable form of expressing rage for me, since I am "just a woman." (That's a whole other article...)

This is not the result of self-imposed starvation. This is the result of telling a chronic illness (GERD) that it wasn't going to starve me or make me weak...and also the gym. Picture taken tacky Facebook-style on 5/2/2012.

To clarify: GERD is gastro-esophagal reflux disease.  I have silent reflux, which means I don't feel heartburn like most GERD sufferers, but my stomach acid sometimes refluxes all the way up into my nasal passages and larynx causing me to choke, have trouble swallowing, feel burning in my throat and nose, taste vomit, become lightheaded, or even experience a laryngospasm where I can't breathe--a laryngospasm caused me to end up in the emergency room this past November.  Some days I feel pretty normal, and other days I can only really eat oatmeal and rice, cry in my car, and down Maalox like they are candy.  Because of this condition I cannot eat fried foods, foods high in saturated fat, carbonated beverages, chocolate, caffiene, tomatoes, onions, fatty foods, citrus, spicy foods, or foods very high in protein.  I eat a lot of chicken, meat substitutes, cottage cheese, potatoes, rice, salads, raw foods, apples, bananas, graham crackers, low-fat yogurt...and my latest addiction--black licorice.  Because a lot of people know very little about this condition, it is treated like it is imaginary--kind of like how people regard fibromyalgia and mental illness.  Any time you have a health problem that other people don't have, they fail to take you seriously and will tell you that it is "all in your head."

Naturally, due to dietary changes, I lost a lot of weight very suddenly.  Now I eat very well and I pig out on healthy foods occasionally.  I shop at Trader Joe's and Roots and most of the food I eat is organic and unprocessed because processed foods contain a lot of acids to prevent them from rotting.  I eat at least 1600 calories a day.  I go to the gym 3-5 times a week to lift heavy weights.  I can press over my own body weight with just my inner thighs.  I have been 97-99lbs and a size 0 or smaller for the past two months and it has remained stable.  That is my weight now.  That is my body.  If you don't like it, don't look. 

These guns--sponsored by cottage cheese, chicken, egg whites, nuts, Morningstar Farms, and a variety of other healthy proteins.

I'm not going to gain weight to appease anyone--clearly my new thinness bothers some people (especially family who seem to mean well, but are just so used to the round-faced Ricki they know and love).  This is because I am not a naturally or genetically thin person.  For about 95% of my life, I have been "the little chubby girl" who was neither large like the "big" girls, nor thin like the "pretty" girls.  When I played with my friends at pool parties I always wondered why my tummy wasn't flat like theirs, and why my thighs rubbed together when I walked and theirs did not.  I didn't feel this was an affliction--it was just a difference.  Then the whole inadequacy thing started when puberyt hit--I wore baggy clothes in middle school because my hips got suddenly really large and the other girls called me a slut.  My family used to call me "hollow leg" because I ate and ate and never felt full (an early sign of developing reflux).  I actually had a babysitter once tell my mom that she couldn't watch me anymore because I ate too much!

At my pre-GERD weight (120lbs, size 6, 4'11") people would sometimes make comments about me needing to slim down, or imply that I would have a hard time finding a boyfriend "being that fat".  This confused me, first of all, because I have never had any trouble finding a lover no matter what my weight was, and also because I was shocked that people thought I was fat, when for me that body was what was normal.  Once I got past high school, I didn't really think about my body much at all in terms of weight.  I only thought about the things I could DO with it, like dancing and cartwheels, but it was like I was constantly being told that I was unattractive all along...like I never knew.  Or that I should have known I was a "fatty" and been ashamed, but I wasn't really. 

I don't feel phantom shame for your perception of my body being "unacceptable", and I won't take on the burden of that ghost for you.  Your opinion of my weight being unattractive is kind of like an ugly dress you're trying to make me put on, and I have long since burned that thing and tore it to shreds. 

At my chubbiest.  Sorry, but I was never sorry for looking this way or being this "fat".  Unless smiles indicate shame, I never really gave a shit and enjoyed delicious ice cream and playing on the playground.

To this day I still I don't get how being not-thin automatically makes someone "fat".  Isn't there an average weight anymore?  Oh, wait--if people actually liked themselves the way they were, then the media and medical field wouldn't be making so much money telling people they need to cut apart their breasts and faces in order to be loved, and men would have no power in calling a woman "ugly".  

So my preachy, venting message that I need to get out today is this: I will never make everyone happy and neither will you.  Stop expecting me to.  Stop expecting yourself to.  Don't value cover over content.  Don't love me or others for what they look like because that will always be subject to change.  In other words, don't be a shallow asshole.  Oh, and never mind the haaayteeeeers.

Interview with Daughter of Joe Simon

This interview is a follow-up to my previous entry where I talk about how I met Joe Simon's daughter online, and the autographed postcard she mailed to me. (Joe Simon was one of the creators of Captain America).  I interviewed her via email about growing up as the daughter of a comic book legend, and here is what she had to share:

Q: What were some of your favorite comics growing up?

A: My favorite comics growing up were the Young Romance and Young Love comics. I was only a tween when I came across these, and I must have read every single one I could find in the house. Even at such a young age, I loved the artwork and the stories in these. I am convinced these stories molded my sense of morals, of looking for the right partner in life and the good results that came, hopefully, from "doing the right thing". I told my father this a few years ago and he thought it was quite comical that I took these stories so seriously when I was growing up!

The other comics that I loved were Dad's Black Magic comics. These were a comic book version of "The Twilight Zone", if you can imagine such a thing. Keep in mind, these came out before television was available. I would read the Black Magic comics at night before bedtime and have really fantastic nightmares! My parents never told us what to read, or what not to read, and nothing seemed to be forbidden to us.

I read everthing..I am quite a "chain-reader", one novel after another. I actually will read anything put in front of me, especially if it is placed in front of me at the breakfast or dining table during a meal :) I'll read a cereal box as happily as I'll read The Wall Street Journal, or Jane Eyre, or Thomas Hardy. But I don't read comic books today!

Q: Which of your father's comic book characters did you look up to, or feel you could relate to the most?

A: I'd have to say I loved the female character, Madge, in the Young Romance comics. She dated a guy, Chet. I really wanted to be Madge..she seemed to embody all the looks and style of a WASP-type female who would always be THE most popular girl in town. There I was, a skinny awkward Jewish girl whose nickname was ChickenLegs..I just wanted to be Madge! Even her boyfriend's name was so perfectly preppy. Then, the 60s rolled around and I forgot all about Madge! I was perfectly happy to be artsy and edgy and different during the 60s, so it all worked out for me!

Q: What was it like growing up the daughter of a comic book legend?

A: My father, oh my father..he was the center of our lives. He was just the center of everything for us, he was my first crush, the best father anyone could ask for. I loved him dearly. He worked at home in his art studio and there was not a moment we were not allowed in his studio, whether he was working at his art table or having a business meeting. I grew up surrounded by art and vast unlimited access to art supplies. During high school, I was sure that I would follow Dad's footsteps to some kind of art career, hoping it would be in advertising. My father told me to take some bio courses in college so I would have a good understanding of the human body's anatomy and physiology..I ended up majoring in public health.

The funny thing about growing up with Dad is he was just my father. I never realized he was such a legend, and I never realized how famous he was. Fans of his would show up at our home on a regular basis and we would just take it in stride as part of Dad's work.

When Dad was 85, I asked him "Dad, what did you do when we were growing up? Just walk around, making up stories in your head?" and he laughed, and said, "Yes, and I still do that!" He never lost his creativity.

Q: Have you ever thought of writing comic books?

A: I never thought of writing comics, but I always think I would love to write a novel. There is also a story that I can't share here, about a character that my father once created just for the enjoyment of our family, and I often think I would love to write a children's book about this character.

Q: What do you think of the comic books that are coming out today?

A: About comics today..I just hope that writers realize that kids (and adults, too) can be very affected at young ages, and often internalize the stories. I remember how much I took from the Young Romance stories while I was a tween. The letters that used to come in to my father's office at home showed how much his readers took the stories to heart.

Q: Anything else you would like to add?

A: Hope this all helps! Let me know if there is anything else I can help you with...writing this stuff makes me realize I have so many memories and funny stories about growing up with Dad that I really should start putting these stories together!

END

Thanks so much for sharing!

Links to photographs and additional information:

• Joe Simon and two of his granddaughters at the 2011 Comic Con: http://kirbymuseum.org/blogs/simonandkirby/archives/4107
• "Joe Simon's Life in Comics": http://undertheradar.military.com/2011/06/joe-simons-life-in-comics/
• "Characters Created by Joe Simon" video interview: http://wn.com/Category:Characters_created_by_Joe_Simon
• "Simon and Kirby" blog dedicated to Joe Simon and Jack Kirby and their studio: http://kirbymuseum.org/blogs/simonandkirby/archives/tag/joe-simon
• Young Romance wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Young_Romance
• Black Magic wikipedia: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Black_Magic_(comics)

Joe Simon Autographed Postcard and Comic

I had been chatting on MUA(makeupalley) with Joe Simon's daughter about our favorite perfumes without even knowing who she was.  We were negotiating a perfume trade, and she saw on my blog that I was a fan of comics.  Then she told me she was, in fact, Joe Simon's daughter!  THE Joe Simon who wrote the Captain America comics, was in the Comic Book Hall of Fame, and was the first editor of what would become Marvel Comics.

In addition to the perfumes, she mailed me a Young Romance comic and an awesome postcard autographed by her father on the card in pen.  Here are some photos:

(She has asked me not to show/use her real name, hence the "MJI" on the card)

Autographed postcard inside of a regular card.

My note from MJI

Full view of Captain America postcard

Joe Simon's autograph WIRTTEN ON THE CARD in pen.  I tried to angle the lighting so you can see the indents.

True Romance comic.  I need to read this soon.

Inside view of the True Romance comic

Top Five Childhood Misconceptions

When you were a kid, did you ever believe in something that was completely untrue?  It seemed so logical at the time--it was like you had half of a concept, and you just invented the other half.  It seemed to completely click, without question.  Ah, but then you grew up and found out the truth (hopefully).

Here is some of the BS I believed when I was a kid:

1.  You know those things that store oil with the ladders going up?  Well, when I was a kid I thought they were swimming pools for rich and famous people--the most deluxe, gigantic pools ever.


Image from heatingoil.com

and I thought the road salt storage domes on the side of the highway were teepees.


Image from smithfieldri.com


2.  I used to think whoever won the running portion of the Olympics would become the president, because of the phrase: "the presidential race".  In my head I imagined myself "running" for president, literally, with a number sign on my chest and track shorts and everything.  I was the fastest sprinter in elementary school, so I thought for sure I'd be president when I grew up.  But then I decided I'd rather be a unicorn instead.

Image from Sam's Running blog


3. I thought that fax machines worked by sticking a piece of paper into a machine that would suck that very same piece of paper through a magical tube that went underground all the way to its final destination--kind of like those tubes at the bank.  I love those, and I think I need some in my apartment.


 Image from digitalcultureonline.blogspot.com


4. I thought that drinking and driving was severely illegal, and that "drinking" also meant water, soda, and all other beverages as well.  I yelled at my mom once for drinking a Sprite while she was driving.


"Your breath smells like Sprite, lady--it's straight to the slammer for you.  You're also being charged for driving with your trunk open and with perfectly arranged alcohol on top of your car" Image from worldofstock.com

5. When I was a kid I thought that the opposite of being "laid off" was getting "laid".  Makes sense right? I heard grown ups casually talking on the phone or on television about getting "laid" in accordance with giving each other different types of "jobs", so hopefully you can understand that train of thought.  Now, I knew that being laid off meant losing your job, but I thought that people went on job interviews to "get laid by a new boss and make a whole lot of money".  Movies like Pretty Woman didn't really do much to dispel this misconception.  And...um, I don't think I'm gonna add a picture for this one like I did for the other four.  Yeah.

What were some of your misconceptions?

Misstapes

I was just thinking about how much I miss making mix tapes for people.  For most of my life, making and giving a mix tape to someone has been my way of saying:

1.  "Let's be friends."
2.  "You're too far away to hang out with me in person, so I'll think of you while I'm making you this tape and it'll be like we're hanging out in my imagination."
3.  "I'm infatuated with you enough to spend four hours in front of my stereo neurotically trying to decide which songs from my music collection you might like.  This is because I want you to fall deeply in love with me and my diverse, awesome taste in music, and imagine we are making out on the carpet as you are listening to this." 

Yeah.  Mix tapes say a lot.

I have a certain mix tape ritual--a specific way that I design coverwork, type song lists, and try to fill as much of the tape as possible.

My ritual is this: 

1.  I prepare to make the tape by gathering up my CD books and boxes of tapes.  I sit in front of the stereo and build a fort surrounding myself out of the CD books and boxes so I can reach any CD binder or tape at will.  I always get backaches when I make mix tapes from sitting on the floor, pivoting at the waist, and leaning over a lot.

2.  I buy a pack of 90 or 120 min blank tapes from Radioshack, take one out of the package, and then I sniff it because I like that fresh electronics smell that reminds me of what it would smell like to be hugged by a robot who just did his/her robot laundry.

Blank tapes for recording.  I usually use Maxell.

3.  I peel the little white stickers for Side A and Side B and stick them on each side of the cassette.  All of my mix tapes have titles or themes.  I then use the cardboard insert thingy with the lines on it to create a template by tracing the edges of it onto a blank sheet of paper.  I collage pictures and magazine cutouts on the front cover, and then I use the other side of the newly created insert to paste a typed song list.  I almost always format the song list like this--Band: Song Title.  I use the original stripey insert and a thin black pen to write the song list, but I throw away the original insert after I type the song list. 

4.  I stick my finger inside the tape wheels and wind it until the recordable portion of the tape is exposed, then I pop it into my stereo.  I put on my big silver headphones because I want to test the sound quality of what I'm making you.  Then, I'm ready to go!

Look in the bottom left corner and you can see Millie--my tape-making assistant.

5.  I want to fill as much of the tape as possible, so in my head I have this list of songs I've memorized that I know are less than two minutes that are just perfect for filling up a small amount of blank space before Side A flips over to Side B.  However, nothing makes me more excited than when a song ends exactly when that side of the tape ends, and nothing ticks me off more than when a song cuts off before that side of the tape is over, and has to either be put on the other side, or taped over.

I also like getting mix tapes, especially when the other person has put as much effort into the production of the mix tape as I have.  I still have a bunch of mix tapes from friends over the years, but more often than not, the tapes have become damaged with use, eaten by my tape player, or lost between moves...and it kind of makes me want to cry.

Just a few tapes from friends

I have a stereo with a casette recorder on one side, so if you want me to make you a mix tape, let me know!  I don't think I've ever made a mix CD before, or if my computer can burn CDs, but I could try that too, if you don't have a tape player.

My boombox.  Found it at Goodwill for $10 because all of my other tape decks have died.