Ok so. Hello ricki, i wanted your advice on something. Im a sophomore in high school n i have a friend who is a junior. She has alot of depression problems n over the last year or 2 she has been experiencing alot of bullying. I talk 2 people about it, adults, teachers, other kids n they think since she is an attractive girl that there is no way possible or no reason she could b bullied. Its not true n very frustrating 2 hear that. Im not saying shes the only pretty girl 2 have this happen but with her depression problems im worried she'll hurt herself or worse. What can i do 2 help or make others listen?
--"Nothing to Do With Looks"
___________
Dear "Nothing to Do With Looks":
First of all, I'd like to congratulate you for being such a supportive and caring friend. I'm sure it helps your friend to know that she has someone like you on her side amidst all the obstacles and opposition she is currently facing.
Because our society places such importance on looks, people tend to think that if you could just achieve that "magical" level of ideal appearance that everything will be solved for you, and that your problems will fade away. Those who are not attractive feel robbed and tend to resent those who are more good-looking. Of course, this percieved "perfect life" based on some kind of imaginary happiness-to-prettiness ratio is not based in reality. There are people with fetching physical features who feel horribly disgusting on the inside, no matter what other people say, and no matter what the mirror reflects. Some of the saddest people are also the most beautiful--just look at the tragic ending of Marilyn Monroe.
Beauty may give you a lot of power, but until you find TRUE power in your unconditional selfhood rather than what your face can get for you, life can be a living hell full of people with jealous intentions and sexual ulterior motives. It can make a person feel like they are a piece of pie with everyone else chasing them around with a fork. For a teenage girl with depression, this is very dangerous. She may even feel negatively towards her own body because people judge her so much based on it, instead of who she is as a person.
Is she bullied because people sense that she is depressed, or is she depressed because she is being bullied? Chances are, people are a. sensing that she is depressed and viewing her as "easy prey" for their own insecurities, b. jealous and resentful because she is expected to have a perfect life based on what the media would have us believe about appearance. "If only you'd look like this woman, you'd have any man you ever wanted, and your very own dream house." What a load of shit.
What really bothers me is that no one is taking the issue of your friend's depression seriously. If the adults you have spoken with are not addressing this head-on, you need to keep talking to people until you find yourself an advocate. For example, if the principal doesn't address your concerns adequately, then go speak to the guidance counselor. If the guidance counselor just blows you off, try speaking with her parents. Don't bother arguing with an adult if they don't take you seriously--chances are if they already think her prettiness absolves her from life's problems, then they might also have prejudices against teens as being overdramatic. Don't bother wasting energy communicating with a petty or condescending person. You don't have time for that: go seek help elsewhere. Just keep trying and don't give up. If need be, go outside your comfort zone and call a hotline, or contact a therapist in your area. You will eventually find someone who can help your friend.
Likewise, your friend needs to help herself. She needs to find her center and build it up so other people can not affect her as much--or at the very least, learn how to defend herself physically and develop a more positive self-image. Don't get me wrong: I am NOT saying she is being bullied because it's her own fault for being depressed, and she should just "get tough". Bullying is always the fault of the perpetrators, which seems like common sense, but people are all too eager to blame the victim. What I'm saying is that there is something she CAN do about it, at least to lessen it's impact. With a more stable self-image, she won't really be as fun to target anymore, unless you have some real psychos in your high school who just have it out for this girl whether she walks with her head held high or buries it in the sand.
You should encourage your friend to enrich herself as a person, and to participate in activities where she will be positively recognized for her achievements, rather than her appearance--you can both do this together. I would recommend that you ladies take a martial arts class, participate in some kind of sport, or even collaborate on some kind of positive project with her. Find something interesting to do together, like starting a band, writing a magazine together, or inventing some kind of secret club. Also, sometimes volunteering to help those less fortunate can help you develop a more positive self-image. It feels good to do good sometimes, even if you feel bad.
Best of luck to you and your friend. I wish her multitudes of happiness to make up for the sadness she is going through.
Sincerely,
Ricki
Because our society places such importance on looks, people tend to think that if you could just achieve that "magical" level of ideal appearance that everything will be solved for you, and that your problems will fade away. Those who are not attractive feel robbed and tend to resent those who are more good-looking. Of course, this percieved "perfect life" based on some kind of imaginary happiness-to-prettiness ratio is not based in reality. There are people with fetching physical features who feel horribly disgusting on the inside, no matter what other people say, and no matter what the mirror reflects. Some of the saddest people are also the most beautiful--just look at the tragic ending of Marilyn Monroe.
Beauty may give you a lot of power, but until you find TRUE power in your unconditional selfhood rather than what your face can get for you, life can be a living hell full of people with jealous intentions and sexual ulterior motives. It can make a person feel like they are a piece of pie with everyone else chasing them around with a fork. For a teenage girl with depression, this is very dangerous. She may even feel negatively towards her own body because people judge her so much based on it, instead of who she is as a person.
Is she bullied because people sense that she is depressed, or is she depressed because she is being bullied? Chances are, people are a. sensing that she is depressed and viewing her as "easy prey" for their own insecurities, b. jealous and resentful because she is expected to have a perfect life based on what the media would have us believe about appearance. "If only you'd look like this woman, you'd have any man you ever wanted, and your very own dream house." What a load of shit.
What really bothers me is that no one is taking the issue of your friend's depression seriously. If the adults you have spoken with are not addressing this head-on, you need to keep talking to people until you find yourself an advocate. For example, if the principal doesn't address your concerns adequately, then go speak to the guidance counselor. If the guidance counselor just blows you off, try speaking with her parents. Don't bother arguing with an adult if they don't take you seriously--chances are if they already think her prettiness absolves her from life's problems, then they might also have prejudices against teens as being overdramatic. Don't bother wasting energy communicating with a petty or condescending person. You don't have time for that: go seek help elsewhere. Just keep trying and don't give up. If need be, go outside your comfort zone and call a hotline, or contact a therapist in your area. You will eventually find someone who can help your friend.
Likewise, your friend needs to help herself. She needs to find her center and build it up so other people can not affect her as much--or at the very least, learn how to defend herself physically and develop a more positive self-image. Don't get me wrong: I am NOT saying she is being bullied because it's her own fault for being depressed, and she should just "get tough". Bullying is always the fault of the perpetrators, which seems like common sense, but people are all too eager to blame the victim. What I'm saying is that there is something she CAN do about it, at least to lessen it's impact. With a more stable self-image, she won't really be as fun to target anymore, unless you have some real psychos in your high school who just have it out for this girl whether she walks with her head held high or buries it in the sand.
You should encourage your friend to enrich herself as a person, and to participate in activities where she will be positively recognized for her achievements, rather than her appearance--you can both do this together. I would recommend that you ladies take a martial arts class, participate in some kind of sport, or even collaborate on some kind of positive project with her. Find something interesting to do together, like starting a band, writing a magazine together, or inventing some kind of secret club. Also, sometimes volunteering to help those less fortunate can help you develop a more positive self-image. It feels good to do good sometimes, even if you feel bad.
Best of luck to you and your friend. I wish her multitudes of happiness to make up for the sadness she is going through.
Sincerely,
Ricki
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